It had been almost thirteen years since that unfateful day of my disrobing in Duryodhana’s court. But I could still recollect each moment, each word spoken in the court and each unspoken word written in the eyes of every person present there, as clearly as if it was yesterday. As per the condition laid down by the Kauravas, we were to spend thirteen years in exile - the first twelve years in the forest and the thirteenth year incognito. In this final year, I - Draupadi, had donned the role of a maidservant to Queen Sudeshna, the wife of King Virata. All my husbands too were housed in King Virata’s palace in different roles. We were nearing the completion of our 13th year and everything was going smooth as per the plan. But when has my life ever been devoid of challenges and struggles?
For the last few weeks, Keechaka (the brother in law of King Virata) had been eying me and making unpleasant advances. Despite my lack of interest, he did not give up and became more determined to make me his concubine. Despite all my efforts, he did not back out and had started molesting me. When I couldn't take it anymore, I devised a plan with my faithful husband Bheema to kill Keechaka.
Last night was meant to be the fateful night of the death of that wretched soul Keechak. I was awaiting the news of his demise and the resulting furore, but had not heard of anything as yet. It was getting late enough to be worried. I once again stepped into the balcony and looked down. Except for a drenched street dog that was lying down miserably near the gate, there was not a soul to be seen anywhere. Rain water had puddled under the lamp post. A breeze ruffled the mango tree in the courtyard and a few twigs fell down and broke. Thunder rumbled in the distance. Did I hear a soft knock at the door? I turned back to see if someone had actually knocked the door.
As per the plan devised by me and Bheema, I was to keep a low profile and thus I wondered who could come looking for me - a mere maidservant at this early hour of the day. I was lost in my thoughts when the knock sounded again, as gently as the first time, but more persistent.
I opened the door and was surprised to see an elderly saint at the door. His clothes were rugged but his face shone like a galaxy. His hair was unkempt and his beard unruly, but his eyes had an unmistakable serenity, akin to the water in a lake. His flowing white hair and beard conveyed his age, but his broad shoulders and erect posture gave away the fact that despite the years, youthfulness had never abandoned him.
He stood there still, with his eyes fixated on me but his face was devoid of any expression. I quickly pulled my veil over my face to ensure that my identity was not revealed.
He cleared his throat and spoke "Can I get some alms, young lady? I am on my way to Kashi and have taken an oath to take alms only during the sunrise.” As he uttered those words, his authoritative tone made them seem more like a command rather than a request. His voice did not seem like that of a stranger. I felt like, perhaps I had known him, had met him, maybe in this lifetime or maybe in some other.
I replied, “Oh wise sage, I am blessed to have you in my humble abode, please step into my small quarters and bless it with your grace!”
The sage stepped inside my tiny chambers with his head held high and with an unflinching look. He surveyed my tiny chambers, which was devoid of any luxury. He looked at my bed made of cane wood which had colorful rugs stitched as a bed sheet on top of it, he then looked at the balcony which overlooked the garden, a small tulsi plant which was placed on the window pane, and at last the wooden Almirah with a broken mirror etched to its center. He saw my reflection in the mirror and looked at it a little longer than necessary. He then replied, “Oh, Yajnaseni, I know there is something that is bothering you, some news that you are awaiting. Be rest assured; as always, Karma has been fair; Keechak has been put to rest. He is a lucky soul to be punished for his sins in the same lifetime.”
I was startled by his words. As per the plan, Bheema was perhaps going to kill Keechak last night, but nobody except he and I knew about the plan. Besides, the sage also knew about my true identity, which was not known to anybody!
I cleared my throat and replied “O holy one, you seem to be an Antaryami (the one who knows everything). What good is it to play the game of deception with you? I am not a maidservant to Queen Sudeshna, I am Draupadi - daughter of King Drupad, born of fire. Perhaps, it is my destiny that my relationship with fire has never been put to rest; for the flames of revenge are still burning inside me. The vengeance, the desire to see my detractor’s burn in the fire of destruction is the only motive which keeps me alive!”
He responded, “Draupadi, do you realize, the revenge, the hatred which is manifesting in your soul, consumes you too? The destruction, the downfall, the avalanche which you want to bring into the life of your detractors, will burn your own house too! For the law of nature is all abiding, and does not differentiate between the good and bad. Forgiveness is the most difficult virtue to attain, and yet the most needed one to take the journey of the soul ahead”.
I replied, “Forgiveness? Pardon me, Oh wise one, but I believe forgiveness is the most overrated virtue! How can I forgive someone who has dampened my spirit and scarred my soul? While I was not too surprised by what the Kauravas did, what completely shook my faith in my beliefs is what Karna did on that fateful day of my cheerharan. He was the one to suggest the heinous act of disrobing me in a court full of men! All these years, starting from the day of my swayamvar, curiosity has piqued me about this mystery called Karna. His valour, his skills, his generosity are unmatched, but his actions of supporting the wrongdoers –“the Kauravas” is something that I can never fathom. I have always believed that he, like me is the child destiny never wanted to have. I believed that despite the darkness that life had offered him, his spirit had a radiance to dispel the darkness and doom. But alas, he proved me wrong. How can I forgive him, how can I forgive the revengeful look in his eyes, the suppressed smile on his lips which exuded mockery and contempt” Beads of sweat broke on my forehead and my breath started panting as I vividly remembered each moment from that cursed day.
Through my translucent veil, I could see his eyes gazing intently at my face. Our eyes got locked into each other for a nanosecond and as I was trying to read the expression in his eyes, he turned his gaze away and added: “Draupadi, what they did to you was indeed the highest level of Adharma, a ghastly sin that will be spoken about for centuries to come. But have you ever thought this may be Karma's way of giving Karna a chance to get even with you. Afterall, who can forget what happened at your Swayamvar- how Karna was not even allowed to participate in the archery contest and how he was ridiculed by you for being the son of a charioteer?”
On hearing the sage talking from Karna’s perspective, I felt like he had managed to get a glimpse into the remotest corners of my conscience where the guilt for humiliating Karna was deeply etched. This made me confess to something which I had never admitted even to myself before that day “O gyani purush, I admit that what I did at the swayamvar was indeed very shafemul. I deprived Karna of the opportunity to showcase his skills, I did not give him a fair chance to participate, because somewhere deep down I knew that if he did, he would win the contest. He had all the qualities a woman would look for in her ideal man, all the qualities that I wanted in my husband. He had the gentleness of the breeze, and the strength of a mountain. He was determined like a rock and yet had the perseverance of water which cuts through rocks. His nature had the calmness of a forest and yet his ambition to be a great warrior was as magnanimous as a forest fire. Though I had felt an inexplicable bond with him from the moment I saw him, on the swayamvar day, I was swayed by my need to bring pride to my father. It was my chance, perhaps my only chance, to make my father notice that I was no less than my brother when it came to decision making and contributing for the larger good of the nation.”
The sage smiled and replied “Aren't we all bound by our fate? The cycle of Karma goes on and on, until one of us decides to learn to let go. Why don't you forgive Karna, maybe he is also burning in the fire of guilt and remorse, just like you?”
“I have forgiven my husbands, believing that they will seek my revenge and bring me the justice that my heart yearns for. But how can I forgive Karna? It is the same Karna who was the reason for the most horrific episode of my life, the cheerharan! How can I forget the way he looked at the heaps of my husband’s clothes and instigated Dushasan to treat me as no exception? In that moment of despair, when I was being wronged by my husbands, the only hope I had was from Karna. Some part of my consciousness believed that he would be my savior; he would be the one to bring an end to that insanity. But by suggesting such a shameful idea, he not only managed to lose my love, but also all the respect I had for him. I had always believed Karna stood for righteousness, that unlike my husbands, he would never give into a ridiculous demand from his mother to share his wife with his brothers in the name of Dharma. But on that fateful day, he crushed all the notions I had about him. I cannot forgive him, neither in this lifetime nor in many lifetimes to come". My head started reeling with fury, I wondered how did this man always managed to bring out the worst in me. I took a few deep breaths and gained my composure.
The sage continued, “Oh chosen one, it is true that it was the urge to take revenge which drove Karna's actions and doings. He had been burning in the flames of revenge from the day he was humiliated by you. While humiliation from the world couldn't break down his spirit, humiliation from the one he loved the most dearly shattered him into pieces. Karna has loved you from the time he set his eyes on your portrait, from that day onwards, he had spent every waking hour perfecting his skills so as to ensure that he won your hand in the swayamvar. But when the day finally came, he was not even given a fair chance and infact was not even allowed to participate. His thirst for revenge was actually the counter side of his deep love for you! Love - a feeling which the most credulous men have failed to conquer, love which makes a man do the most unexpected things, and when the love is unrequited, it sometimes turns into revenge. Karna is no exception and he too surrendered to his senses, to seek revenge. Having said that, what he did was definitely not justified and you are well within your right to decide not to forgive him. However it is also true that he has not been able to redeem himself of the guilt of your cheerharan ever since that day! For the last thirteen years, he has given up the comfort of this bed and slept on the floor, thinking about the hardships being endured by you in exile! He has served his penance and will continue to do so for a long time to come.
After knowing all this, if you feel in your heart that he deserves forgiveness then please do forgive him.
I shall take your leave, but remember my words, “Hatred in your heart will consume you too.”
I handed over the alms to the sage and touched his feet. He gave me a blessing “May you find peace, Om shanti, shanti” and left.
As he left, I stood there still, mulling over the candid conversation, when Bheema entered my quarter. He sat on the bed with a thud and said “Did you hear, Keechak got killed last night?”
I exclaimed irritably, “Bheema, it is you who killed Keechak, but remember; the plan was devised by me, so how can I not know about it?”
Bheema clarified, “Oh beloved, as per the plan, I went to the dance court at midnight. I saw Keechak lying on his back on the dias, I turned him around and was shocked to see blood oozing out of his stomach. He was killed before I reached there. I could hear the sound of soldiers at a far distance, so I fled the scene immediately. I have been wondering who could be brave and skillful enough to beat down a fierce warrior like Keechak? I will try and find out the person behind this, but for now I have to head back to the royal kitchen. There is prasadam to be prepared for the 1008 pandits arriving for his last rites.”
As I bid him goodbye, I saw something near the main door. It was a shell shaped gemstone radiating a soft yellow glow. With the morning rays of sun falling directly on it, it shone like a hundred candles radiating light. I held it and was flabbergasted to discover the owner of the gemstone. My thoughts went down the memory lane, to the day of yagna in the Kaurava assembly-
As Kunti Ma and I entered the special enclosure, Karna had walked upto us and touched Kunti Ma’s feet with his right hand. With my eyes fixed on the floor, I had noticed the same bright yellow mani on his index finger.
The words uttered by Bheema played in my mind “I have been wondering who could be brave and skillful enough to beat down a fierce warrior like Keechak”.
It dawned on me that Karna had showed up in the disguise of a saint and had confessed his mistake as well as his love for me. Was he here to seek genuine forgiveness or was he here to find out about our whereabouts. My mind alerted me to narrate the whole story to my five husbands, but my heart did not want to give away the most precious moment of my life, the only private moment which I could call my own. My mind coaxed to me follow my dharma and inform my husbands that Karna was the one to kill Keechak, but my heart was not willing to part with the most beautiful revelation life had ever made to me. Like always, I was torn between my mind and my heart, but for once, I decided to follow my heart!
